


Let Me

by Moshi516



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 03:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20039311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moshi516/pseuds/Moshi516
Summary: Will you allow me to love you?





	Let Me

**Let Me**

It was supposed to be a fun day of outdoor shooting for us for our upcoming tour pamphlet. The day is clear, the sun is shining brightly, and we laughed a whole lot together due to each other’s silly antics. My heart sings from happiness. It was supposed to be for work, but my heart and soul feel relaxed. My body occasionally hurts here and there but today, it was being kind to me. I watch the members smiling faces and my heart swells with love. I turn my head to look at you and you smile quietly.

You’re a bit quiet today but you do laugh here and there. And as this day starts with laughter, I thought it will end with laughter too. I saw you gradually grew quieter and quieter as the photo shooting goes on, but I didn’t really think too much about it.

Until in front of our very eyes, you collapsed. Just like that. Quiet. Without any sound. In the midst of the panic as I rush towards you, I heard Hina asking one of the managers to make sure nobody else notice that. We have rented that section for our photo shooting but it’s best to be safe because we know you. You’d find the public attention towards you to be stressful to deal with.

And now, as I sit on my waist support cushion on the hospital’s sofa next to you, I sigh and wonder, who would have thought that such a fun day ends with you being hospitalized for being dehydrated, overheated and over-exhaustion. The rest of the members had returned home for the time being. Maru will come to replace me to be with you later tonight since he has no work tomorrow. It’s not like you’d ask anybody to accompany you anyway. It’s just that we have all been together long enough to know that you really hate being left alone without any noise like this. Probably a sense of dependency that develops as you grow up among so many ‘brothers’ around you like this.

Right now, I’m playing my wanima playlist on my phone near you at a lowered volume, not loud enough to seep out of this 1st class room but just enough to dismiss the white noise that you hates. And I wonder to myself, how do I, as your partner, did not realize what you were doing to yourself. And what gaps had form between us that you no longer easily whine about how hot the day was, how tiring it is and all. Somewhere along today’s filming, I unconsciously realized that… you have grown up from that whiny kid who complains about every little thing to Yoko and Hina in our Can!jani show era.

You’re always bad with the heat and the sun, that we know. But we always expect you to just say whatever you feel when with us that we didn’t notice you were not okay with today’s heat. When the doctor informed us of why you fainted, Maru in his puzzlement wonders aloud why you didn’t just say it. The doctor clears his throat and scratch his cheek before quietly saying that he’s our long-time fan. He said that our songs had pulled him through his study and residents’ years, and he thanked us for that. And with that, he had kept up with what was happening to us in the past year too. Because he hasn’t talk to you personally, he can only form an empirical guess that you probably feel like you couldn’t and shouldn’t whine because there’s someone more ill than you around you, me.

He said it was in no way my fault at all. It’s a very natural psychological response when there’s a sick or disabled sibling in the family (He defines Kanjani8 as a family, I wonder if other fans see us as that too). The so called healthy one will gradually learn to hide what they feel because they feel the need to be reliable, to be the only who take care and to not cause stress to the other members in the family. It is nobody’s fault but for sure, positive change need to occur so that the ‘caretaker’ may be able to feel like they can openly express what they feel and have the confidence that they can rely on someone too without causing stress or burden to others.

And when I think of it from a less emotionally involved point of view, I can see how recently your stress is building up. I have my good days and bad days but I’m recovering well, thankfully. But, there’s also someone else that you, we treasure so much too, someone that you care for like a father, who is now very ill. In between not wanting to worry me and let me focus on my rehabilitation (but you were also recovering from your injury), making him happy by visiting him always, bringing the Kansai juniors to him and planning the concert tour that would be worth the value of our 15 years debut, somehow, you had drained yourself out.

I remember a few weeks ago you made an out of place analogies about a hamster that is running around in circles during your radio show but it was smoothly added in between jokes that I was not aware that you were showing, a bit, about how you feel. And as I go through your vague jokes on the radio show in my head, how you always evade when Yu-kun asked about how you feel or how are you, I can see now that in a sense, you probably always compare yourself to me. And I struggle now, thinking of how to make you realize that it doesn’t matter who is more ill or who is in more pain, you are as entitled as me to say that it hurts, that you’re tired, that like how I was at some point in my illness and injury, you have all the rights to be lost or come to a pause too. That I can, I’m willing to handle your pain too. I can help you out of that maze of lostness like how you lead me.

I see you start to move, waking up and I stand up, within my limit of speed.

“Ohkura?” I softly called you as you open your eyes, gradually. You look confused as you look around and I explained to you slowly where we are and why you were here. You then struggled as you tried to sit up, removing my hands, convincing me that you can sit up on your own and say you’re fine and you want to go home. I calmly told you that the lab result for your electrolytes says otherwise and unless you want to sign “At your Own Risk” form because at this rate you'll faint or fall again (and who knows maybe this time break more than an ankle, you stubborn ox) then you have no choice but to stay.

The agitation must have made you dizzy and you flop back tiredly onto the bed. Quiet. What are you thinking? Can’t you allow me that world of yours anymore?

“… Yasu. You should go home and rest. It had been a long day. You must be tired.”

I am. But the exhaustion and the (manageable) pain of my current body does not overcome the sense of sadness in my heart. I took your pale, larger hand into my tanner, tinier hands and kiss the back of your hand. You look at me, a slight puzzlement in your eyes.

“Ohkura, will you allow me to love you?” I stare straight into your eyes. You look surprised.

“What are you talking about? Did the heat affect you too? We had been dating for years!” You huff, indignant and sharp tongued as always.

“If you allow me to love you then will you allow me to take care of you? Like how I allow you to love and take care of me?”

Silence is your answer. I grip your hand.

“We love each other and we both feel it. But somehow, there’s a shift in our relationship and it’s getting unbalanced and it shows in you being here, right now. I admit, as you know, I’m not fully well yet but I want you to know that I can take your pain, I can take your weakness as much as you take mine. I want our relationship to last and in order for that to happen, we need to be mutual.”

“We can’t. You’ll always be shorter than me.” You jabs before you slowly rise up again. Before I retort your jabs, you ask if I feel more comfortable sitting or standing now and I said standing, damn, standing. And with that, you rest your head on my shoulder. I was not sure what this means and what you want but my body know better than my second guessing mind and naturally wraps you in a hug. Slowly, and gradually, I feel a warm wetness on my shoulder and a quiet sniffing. I wrap my arms around you tighter and I didn’t say anything because right now, your tears are speaking to me more than the thousands of words in this world.

Ohkura, thank you for taking care of me. I’ll take care of you too. I’ll take care of you.

_I will take care of you with all my strength and ability_

_Even though I know, your heart is fragile_

_I accept your weaknesses, it won’t make me sigh_

_Because for me, you are my soul_

(The star of my heart, listen to me- Dengarlah Bintang Hatiku, DEMEISES)

_I was born to love you_  
With every single beat of my heart  
Yes, I was born to take care of you  
Every single day of my life

(I Was Born To Love You-Freddie Mercury)

End

**Author's Note:**

> This angst comes up from the brilliantly cheerful pamphlet shared on SNS, also from Ryo and Yasu's brilliant I Was Born To Love You Freddie Mercury performance. Strange muse bunnies, hah. Also from the opportunity of listening to someone who is in the position of a caretaker, in real life. How they feel a pressure to be positive, to be cheerful even though there's time when they are tired and ill too. And they push themselves to think that, "Even though I'm sick now, it's not heavy illness. I cannot whine, I cannot be weaker than the sick person I'm taking care of"
> 
> This idea, is harmful. So if any of you are in the position of a caretaker, remember to find a support and take care of yourself too. Take care.


End file.
